Psychics Anonymous
Premiered December 1, 2003
Perceptions -- Act I, Scene 2
As the lights come up, SCOTT is working on his personal history form (probably on about the third or fourth page of the monster document). Several large wastebaskets are now located near the storeroom door and all are filled to overflowing with various forms of technical-looking apparatus in obvious states of disrepair and/or destruction. There is yet one more CRASH sound from the storeroom. Then the storeroom door opens and DICK comes out with one more piece of equipment, obviously recently broken. DICK has a dismally sad look on his face and apologizes to SCOTT.
DICK
Was this valuable?
SCOTT looks up from his work, a look of utter pain on his face.
SCOTT
Yes.
DICK
Sorry.
DICK looks around for a place to toss it. As the wastebaskets are full, he carefully balances it on top of an already full basket.
SCOTT
Tell me, Dick, have you ever been in the Army?
DICK
No, why?
SCOTT
No reason. I just thought I recognized an example of Army training.
DICK
Nope. Never been in the military.
Brightening, he turns back to the storeroom.
DICK
Almost finished!
DICK exits to the storeroom.
SCOTT
Thank goodness!
KELLY enters through the office door, dressed in a light coat. She is very business like and doesn’t dawdle.
KELLY
Good morning!
SCOTT
What’s good about it?
KELLY is walking to the closet, when she stops and turns to SCOTT, questioning his statement. As she answers, she takes off her coat.
KELLY
The sun is shining. The weather is brisk, but pleasant. The project is progressing.
SCOTT
And this, a national day of mourning.
KELLY starts again to the closet, but is turned again by SCOTT’s statement.
KELLY
National day of mourning?
SCOTT
Yeah.
SCOTT gestures toward the “junk pile” of wastebaskets by the storeroom door. KELLY looks to where SCOTT has gestured, and smiles.
KELLY
Oh, good. Mr. Watson must have the storeroom almost cleaned out.
KELLY turns and goes to the closet door. While SCOTT merely makes several disgruntled sounds, KELLY opens the closet door to hang up her coat. Standing ramrod straight in the closet, complete with trench coat and hat, is SPY. SPY is slightly emaciated looking, with dark complexion and beady little eyes. He would like to look like Humphrey Bogart, but fails utterly. SPY is in severe need of career counseling.
When KELLY opens the door, SPY shows no sign of life at all, holding a hand out to take the coat even before the door is opened. KELLY hardly recognizes that he is there, and hands her coat to SPY, who takes it with his outstretched hand. KELLY then closes the closet door, still smiling. She starts back toward SCOTT, but after one or two steps, stops suddenly -- obviously puzzled. Then as stunned expression sweeps over her face, KELLY turns back to the closet door. Abruptly, she steps to the door and swings it open. Inside, SPY has disappeared and KELLY’s coat is lying on the floor. KELLY looks inside the closet, which is now empty except for SCOTT’s sweater hanging on a hanger, and several other hangers swinging slightly -- as if very recently disturbed. Briefly, KELLY turns to the audience, her expression of amazement and wonder. Quietly she turns, picks up her coat and hangs it on one of the swinging hangers. Closing the closet door, KELLY turns and starts back toward SCOTT, her expression still one of astonishment. Then, with the idea flashing across her face, she stops and moving very rapidly, suddenly jerks open the closet door. Nothing is amiss. Disappointed, she closes the closet door again and turns back into the room. Mentally, she dismisses what she thought she must have seen.
During KELLY’s preoccupation with the closet, SCOTT has sat quietly, waiting for a more appropriate response from KELLY for his last statement. But when KELLY opens the closet door for the second time, SCOTT becomes mildly interested. When she opens it for a third time, he is openly surprised and intrigued. As she shuts the door for the last time, SCOTT is positively fascinated.
SCOTT
Is there something about my closet that intrigues you?
KELLY looks at SCOTT to see if he’s laughing at her.
KELLY
No. (regaining some composure) Not at all.
DICK enters from the storeroom with one or two small items, which he places precariously on top of the other “junk”.
DICK
Finished!
KELLY
Oh, good. And just in time. I’ve arranged for our five subjects to drop by for interviews. (glancing at her watch) The first one should be here shortly.
SCOTT
Oh?
KELLY notices SCOTT’s raised eyebrows.
KELLY
I was sure that you would want to meet them and be briefed on their qualifications.
SCOTT’s expression does not change, but continues to challenge KELLY’s assumption. KELLY ignores the lack of encouragement.
KELLY
The first subject is Esther Banks.
DICK laughs at the mention of ESTHER’s name. KELLY ignores DICK’s vote.
KELLY
Ms. Banks has a very impressive list of credentials prior to joining our project. She has demonstrated to other investigators a clear potential for telekinesis.
SCOTT
I thought you were trying to avoid making any preconceived conclusions.
KELLY
Oh we are! But we can hardly let just anyone into the project. Otherwise we would waste an incredible amount of time.
Noting SCOTT’s look of disbelief, she adds:
KELLY
But once in the project, each subject’s prior record does not count for a thing. That’s why we use the techniques that we use... so that their prior records can not influence the results.
KELLY is interrupted by a KNOCK at the office door. She immediately responds, as if relieved at the change of topics.
KELLY
Come in!
ESTHER enters through the office door. ESTHER is an attractive woman of thirty. She is very self confident and easily uses her sex as a means of getting anything she wants. She dresses very nicely, uses makeup well, and is apparently used to living well. Her smile is particularly sexy.
KELLY
Ms. Banks! You’re right on time.
ESTHER
I knew that you’d want me to be.
For just a moment, she glances at DICK. But DICK having already worked with her, raises his eyebrows and looks away.
KELLY
Let me introduce you to our new project leader, Professor Conner.
SCOTT gets up and shakes hands with ESTHER. ESTHER takes her time in releasing his hand. Her voice carries sexual overtones.
ESTHER
Professor Scott Conner, I believe.
DICK
Oh brother!
SCOTT is impressed, but a bit skeptical of her intentions.
SCOTT
Right!
KELLY
You, of course, already know Mr. Watson.
ESTHER is still watching SCOTT intently, she answers huskily, never bothering to look at or acknowledge DICK, but eager to turn on the charm for SCOTT.
ESTHER
I can’t tell you how excited I am about your research project.
DICK
Really?
SCOTT
How nice.
ESTHER
It’s just that the possibilities are endless! A chance to demonstrate the existence of totally unique... (with an extra huskiness in her voice) sensory powers. Powers that can enhance life is so many, lovely ways.
She moves even closer to SCOTT.
SCOTT
Yes.
SCOTT steps back at ESTHER’s intensity, unsure of himself. At his hesitation, ESTHER eases off slightly, and turns away.
ESTHER
I’m sure that you have many questions and considerable skepticism.
DICK
I have a question.
ESTHER frowns slightly, intent upon ignoring DICK.
ESTHER
But I can assure you that the only unknown in my book is whether or not others can be taught these marvelous abilities. And that’s why I’m here: To find out precisely those answers.
DICK
And how are you doing so far?
Clearly ill at ease by ESTHER’s intensity and DICK’s not-so-subtle taunting, SCOTT tries to put some space between ESTHER and himself.
SCOTT
Why don’t you have a seat, Ms. Banks?
ESTHER
Thanks, but I think I’ll stand, if you don’t mind. And please...call me Esther.
Still trying to grasp what is going on between ESTHER and DICK, SCOTT turns to KELLY.
SCOTT
Are all of the test subjects as enthusiastic and confident as Esther?
KELLY
Well, perhaps not quite as...
ESTHER
Talented?
KELLY
I’m sure there’s some potential for...
ESTHER laughs slightly, interrupting KELLY.
ESTHER
I’m afraid that the others have very little potential for anything.
KELLY is clearly upset by the charge and glances at SCOTT for his reaction.
KELLY
Oh, I disagree. Shari Cetera, for example...
ESTHER
Shari!? You must be joking!
KELLY
Shari has shown some real potential to...
ESTHER
To deceive? I’m afraid, Ms. Gregg, that Shari Cetera is a devious and unscrupulous woman.
KELLY
Shari!? Devious!?
ESTHER
Cleverly concealed, of course.
Turning, ESTHER begins to move around the room.
ESTHER
A very impressive laboratory you have here, Professor Conner.
SCOTT
Thanks.
SCOTT looks up at KELLY, who is now sitting on the desk with a questionable look on her face.
ESTHER
Very impressive.
ESTHER approaches the Van de Graff Generator.
ESTHER
And what’s this?
Quickly, SCOTT’s face takes on the look of someone up to mischief. With little import, he replies.
SCOTT
It’s a Van de Graff Generator.
DICK
Here, let me turn it on for you.
DICK turns on the Van De Graff Generator.
ESTHER
How charming.
Suddenly, before KELLY can interfere, ESTHER puts her hand on the steel ball. She has no hint of what is to come. When she is shocked, she jerks back her hand, an utterly horrified expression on her face. Her voice suddenly reverts from the sexy broad to that of a foul-mouthed trucker.
ESTHER
What the hell!!?
KELLY can only look embarrassed, while DICK almost bursts out laughing. SCOTT is surprised at ESTHER’s outburst, but sees the hint of amusement. For the moment, SCOTT decides to join DICK in the fun.
ESTHER
Jesus!! The sonofabitch shocked me!!
Then seeing DICK’s amusement, ESTHER begins to suspect that she’s been made the butt of a joke.
ESTHER
What the hell, Watson!? This some kind of sick joke!?
SCOTT and DICK both try to avoid laughing out loud.
DICK
Why no, of course not! It’s a test of precognition. If you had such talents, your extra-sensory powers would undoubtedly have warned your to avoid it.
KELLY looks with horror at both DICK and SCOTT, suddenly very upset at DICK's frivolity and SCOTT's lack of dismay. ESTHER, meanwhile, is absolutely horrified at being challenged and made a fool of.
ESTHER
Of all the incredible bullshit I’ve ever heard!! This is no test!! This has nothing to do with extrasensory powers!!
As she speaks, ESTHER glances around the room and notes that neither DICK nor SCOTT are buying her denials for a minute. At the same time KELLY is too stunned to speak. With her back to the wall and KELLY apparently incapable of helping her, ESTHER reacts.
ESTHER
Well, I have no intention of standing here and being insulted!!
When no one makes any effort to stop her, ESTHER stalks to the door.
ESTHER
I should have known better than to expect anything from this group!!
Finally, KELLY recovers her wits, and moves to stop ESTHER, but ESTHER will have nothing of it. ESTHER opens the office door, and gives her parting shot.
ESTHER
Amateurs!!
ESTHER exits through the office door, slamming it behind her. KELLY goes to the door after her.
KELLY
Ms. Banks!! Wait!
SCOTT
Oh, let her go!
KELLY opens the door, gives SCOTT a look of extreme exasperation, then exits through the office door, shouting after ESTHER.
KELLY
Ms. Banks!!
DICK laughs as SCOTT grimaces at KELLY’s withering stare. Then as the door slams shut, DICK adds:
DICK
Ooooops.
SCOTT
You think maybe we upset someone?
DICK
I wouldn’t worry about Esther; she’s easily upset. But Kelly’s another story. She just may have your head for lunch.
SCOTT
I doubt that.
DICK
I can’t tell you how much I going to enjoy the two of you slashing each other to ribbons.
SCOTT is apparently not interested in DICK’s analysis of SCOTT and KELLY’s relationship.
SCOTT
How could Kelly be taken in by that phony?
DICK
I’ve seen Esther’s prior record. It's impressive.
SCOTT
Do you buy Esther’s ability?
DICK
Not at ESP.
SCOTT realizes that he and DICK are in basic agreement.
SCOTT
And aren’t most ESP experiments capable of being falsified?
DICK
Absolutely. That’s why Kelly’s tests are designed the way they are... to reduce the possibility of someone fabricating or falsifying the results.
SCOTT
So Esther’s prior records could be garbage?
DICK
There’s always that possibility.
SCOTT
But wait a minute. You said: “Kelly’s tests”. I thought Karnablowsky did the test design.
DICK
Are you kidding? Karny knew virtually nothing. He’s a physicist, for heavens sake!
(suddenly realizing that SCOTT is also a physicist)
I mean, like he’s not a psychologist, or even a para-psychologist. He was just willing to lend his name, while Kelly ran the project.
SCOTT
So why didn’t Kelly run her own project?
DICK
No Ph.D. No university credentials. No union card. She had to use Karny’s credentials and her brains.
SCOTT
Of course. The professor’s name on the funding... the student to do all the work. That time-honored tradition of university research.
KELLY enters through the office door without knocking, slams the door behind her, and glares at the two men. After a pause, while everything gets very quiet, she begins.
KELLY
I hope that the two of you are quite happy with yourselves.
DICK and SCOTT exchange sheepish grins.
KELLY
And I trust that we can eliminate these childish displays and restrict ourselves to business in the future!
DICK and SCOTT appear to agree to the ultimatum.
KELLY
We very nearly lost Ms. Banks!
SCOTT
Nearly?
KELLY
Yes. Fortunately, I was able to convince her not to drop out of the project?
SCOTT
But why did you bother?
KELLY suddenly realizes that she’s being challenged.
KELLY
Because, we cannot afford to lose potentially valuable subjects.
SCOTT
Get serious! Esther has no talents!
DICK chokes, causing SCOTT to glance his way.
SCOTT
Well, other than the obvious.
Then SCOTT reverts back to his strong stand.
SCOTT
She’s obviously nothing more than a con artist, specializing in ESP con jobs.
KELLY
That’s certainly a scientific observation! Based on zero facts!!
SCOTT
On the contrary, it’s based on experience. Something you evidently lack!
KELLY
I’m plenty experienced!
SCOTT
At what!!?
Both SCOTT and KELLY are standing up, staring angrily at each other, when DICK realizes that it’s time to stop the argument, before the whole project blows up. DICK moves quickly between the two.
DICK
I have an idea. Let’s take a vote.
KELLY turns to DICK, angry at the interruption.
KELLY
What!?
DICK
Let’s vote on whether to keep Esther on the project.
SCOTT
She’s a con artist!!
DICK
That’s one against.
KELLY
What would you know about it!? You haven’t even seen her record! It’s exceptional!
DICK
That’s one for. And I vote for.
As KELLY and SCOTT both turn to DICK with amazement, DICK tallies the “vote”.
DICK
Two for and one against. I guess that means Esther stays.
Smiling he glances at each of the others.
DICK
Okay?
SCOTT looks back at KELLY, his anger evidently eased.
SCOTT
Okay.
KELLY, realizing that she has won, eases off herself, but continues to watch SCOTT very carefully. SCOTT turns away and returns to his desk chair, where he sits.
SCOTT
Esther stays.
KELLY
Thank you.
Still piqued, she turns and goes to a chair near the storeroom and sits down. For a moment, no one says anything. DICK, noting the awkward silence, and with as much enthusiasm as possible, makes yet another peace overture.
DICK
Isn’t democracy wonderful?
Disappointed at the continuing awkward silence, he adds:
DICK
I’ve always thought it was.
Another silence ensues, while DICK looks even less enthusiastic. Then the silence is broken by a knock at the door. DICK shows obvious relief at the interruption and looks heavenward to address his next line.
DICK
Thank you.
DICK opens the office door, where FRED is standing in front of the door, patiently waiting for something to happen. He is wide eyed and clearly not sure of what he is waiting for. FRED is a talented genius, who, unfortunately, while in college, was given a massive dose of an experimental drug. The result is that his mind, while still brilliant, no longer operates within the human realm. His dress and appearance reflect the fact that he is only slightly aware of the need for either. Physically, he is thin and stark, due to the fact that he often forgets to eat. He usually is smiling, but nevertheless goes through most of the other emotions -- only with considerably more drama than most people. FRED is basically freaked out, with occasional flashes of brilliance. DICK recognizes him immediately.
DICK
Fred! Come on in!
FRED looks at DICK questioningly, turns to look behind himself -- as if DICK were talking to someone else, and then looks back to DICK. FRED remains wide eyed and waiting for something else to happen. DICK, familiar with FRED’s ways, ignores the confusion, and taking FRED by the arm, ushers him into the room.
DICK
You’ve arrived just in time!
FRED
I did?
DICK
Take my word for it. Professor Conner. This is Fred Preston.
SCOTT rises to shake FRED’s hand.
SCOTT
Glad to know you, Fred.
FRED
I’m Fred.
SCOTT slowly extricates his hand from FRED’s, who has continued to shake hands.
SCOTT
Yes, Of course.
KELLY
Fred is a... very special case.
FRED turns and greets KELLY.
FRED
Hi. I’m Fred.
KELLY
We’ve met.
FRED lets his eyes wander away from KELLY.
FRED
Good.
KELLY
Fred has an... interesting history. It was based on his... unique record that he was brought into the project. However...
FRED has wandered off, looking at the room and shaking his head in approval.
FRED
Nifty!
Then his eyes light on the Van de Graff Generator
FRED
Hey! A Van de Graff generator!
EVERYONE is surprised that FRED knows what the machine is. Then FRED turns it on and after just a second, touches the metal ball. Jerking his hand back, he acknowledges the shock with a yelp. Then he touches the ball again, is shocked again and yelps again. Then he repeats the procedure again, each time in obvious pain, and with each scream of pain becoming progressively louder. Finally KELLY reacts and moves toward FRED.
KELLY
Quit touching it!
FRED turns to KELLY, in obvious agreement, and holding his wounded hand.
FRED
Good idea.
FRED turns the generator off. SCOTT is immediately intrigued by FRED’s recognition of the Van de Graff. Pointing toward an exotic piece of technical equipment, SCOTT asks:
SCOTT
Do you know what that is?
FRED, very matter of fact in his manner, gives a precise, complete answer, including the manufacturer’s name. [Fill in the line, dependent upon the particular prop available:]
FRED
_____________________________________________________________.
KELLY
Amazing!
FRED
You mean, I’m right!?
While EVERYONE tries to understand FRED’s last statement, he looks to the audience with obvious surprise and mystification. Shaking his head in amused disbelief, he says:
FRED
I must have studied physics.
[FRED had six years of college physics, but typically does not remember it.]
KELLY
Fred, perhaps I had better brief Professor Conner first. Dick will contact you later about our next test.
FRED
We’ve having a physics test?
KELLY
No. The next ESP test. Dick will call you.
FRED
Okay.
Fred sits down, folds his arms, and smiles expectantly.
FRED
Ready when you are.
DICK puts his hand on FRED, and takes a different tack.
DICK
Fred. I think that Professor Conner and Ms. Gregg want to be alone.
FRED thinks about it, before asking:
FRED
Where they gonna go?
DICK
They’re not going anywhere. It’s time for us to go.
FRED thinks about this.
FRED
Fine by me.
FRED continues to sit.
DICK
Now?
FRED
Great!
FRED continues to sit, as DICK looks helplessly at KELLY and SCOTT, neither of whom have any idea of how to help. Suddenly FRED stands and staring off into space, announces:
FRED
Hey! I just remembered: I have to go now. (turning to the others) You don’t mind, do you?
DICK
No, no. That’s fine, Fred.
When FRED just looks at him, DICK continues.
DICK
We’ll see you later.
FRED
Why don’t you call me when you’re ready to take the physics test.
DICK
Good idea. I’ll do that.
FRED
I have to go now. (back into space:) I wonder where.
After a brief pause, FRED shakes his head as if it doesn’t matter. Then with an idea coming into his head, he turns to KELLY.
FRED
Somewhere else I’ll bet.
Without another word, FRED walks to the storeroom door. At the door, he opens it and waves to the others.
FRED
See ya.
FRED then enters the storeroom, closing the door behind him.
Throughout the remaining sequence, before FRED comes out of the storeroom, KELLY and DICK virtually ignore the fact that FRED is temporarily lost, while SCOTT watches the storeroom door, waiting for FRED to realize his mistake. KELLY and DICK know better. While SCOTT repeatedly looks toward the storeroom door for FRED’s reappearance, KELLY and DICK carry on as if nothing is amiss.
KELLY
As I was saying, Fred is a rather unique subject.
DICK
It may sound a bit incredible, but the guy once had an IQ of a high level genius.
SCOTT
Had?
DICK
Yes, well, he sort of lost it.
KELLY
Actually, he probably still has it. It’s just hidden under his...
SCOTT
Spaciness?
KELLY
Something like that.
DICK
You have to understand: the guy was brilliant. But when he was in graduate school, some clown gave him an overdose of some experimental, mind-altering drug. It almost killed the poor guy. He survived, but ever since then, his mind hasn’t been in touch with reality.
KELLY
It could be more of a communication problem than anything else. The mind may still be there. It just doesn’t communicate with our world.
DICK
I doubt if he even operates in the same four dimensions of time and space.
SCOTT
So why do you have him in the project?
KELLY
He does sometimes have occasional flashes of talent.
DICK
Besides, would you want to be the one who turned him loose on the world?
SCOTT
Not really.
The others acknowledge their silent agreement.
SCOTT
But maybe for the sake of the world, as much as for his sake.
KELLY
Whichever.
SCOTT
I’m not that cruel. Besides, he’s rather entertaining. In a weird sort of way.
FRED reenters from the storeroom. As he wanders out, he looks around, suddenly recognizes the room, and shows a very startled reaction as realizing where he is.
FRED
Whoa! Deja Vu!
Without a word, as the others watch him, FRED goes to the office door and opens it. This time, instead of going out immediately, he sticks his head into the hall and looks around. After a few moments of checking out the hall, he straightens and turns back to the others. He gestures toward the doorway.
FRED
This could be the one.
Whereupon FRED smiles and exits. SCOTT watches the closed door, and with careful phrasing, asks:
SCOTT
How often do these... “occasional flashes of brilliance” occur?
DICK
God only knows!
KELLY
Often enough to warrant an effort on our part.
As the others seem to accept her statement, KELLY glances at her watch.
KELLY
Our next subject is Shari Cetera. She’s usually quite punctual, but appears to be late today.
Without knocking, SHARI opens the door and comes in. SHARI is an attractive girl, with just a hint of independence and self assurance. She is relatively young, mid twenties, dresses nicely but without fanfare, and has particularly enticing eyes. SHARI also has the disconcerting habit of anticipating most everything anyone else says.
SHARI
Sorry I’m late.
KELLY
Shari! Right on time.
SHARI turns to DICK, with a strong hint of affection.
SHARI
Hi, Dick.
DICK
Hello.
KELLY
Shari, let me...
SHARI
Professor Conner, I’m Shari Cetera.
SCOTT
Glad to know you. Would you...
SHARI
No thanks. I’ll just stand.
SCOTT
...like to sit... down?
SHARI strolls casually toward the storeroom, her voice betraying the hint of her next statement being more than just casual conversation.
SHARI
You have a very interesting laboratory, Professor Conner.
For a moment, SHARI stares at the closet door.
SHARI
Very interesting.
SCOTT
Thanks. I spend most of my waking hours here, and...
SHARI
Might as well be comfortable.
SCOTT
...I like to be... comfortable.
SHARI stops at the cabinet, which in the next scene will be shown to contain an operating reel tape recorder. SHARI stops and looks at the cabinet for a moment, reaches to open it, and then thinks better of it. SHARI turns to the others, questioning them with her eyes. No one else understands why SHARI is looking at them. Then SHARI realizes they know nothing, and decides not to question them directly.
SHARI
Is our meeting today one of the experiments?
KELLY
No. We just wanted everyone to meet and get to know each other.
SHARI responds with a trace of sarcasm, her eyes going back to the tape recorder in the cabinet.
SHARI
No one’s taking notes?
KELLY is mystified and glances at DICK, who is similarly in the dark.
KELLY
Notes?
KELLY then looks at SCOTT, who is totally lost.
SHARI
It doesn't matter.
SHARI starts to walk back toward center, when she stops. Quietly, she turns to look at the closet door again. EVERYONE else simply watches her. Then SHARI, with clear purpose, walks to the closet door and puts her hand on the knob. With just a second’s hesitation, she opens the closet door. Inside is nothing but KELLY and SCOTT’s coats, and a single hanger. The hanger, which is an easily visible, plastic or wood type hanger [”NO WIRE HANGERS!!”] is silently swinging on the bar. It is obvious that someone was in the closet, but is no longer. SHARI dismisses the feeling that she had, closes the door and shrugs, as if to suggest that SCOTT’s laboratory is one, very crazy place. As SHARI turns to the others, she asks:
SHARI
Professor, do you have a dog?
SCOTT
A dog?
SHARI
No? Just wondering. (then with a secretive smile) You really do have a very interesting laboratory.
SCOTT
Thanks. Feel free to look around.
SHARI
Thanks.
SHARI is walking toward the Storeroom, when she passes the file cabinet and casually remarks:
SHARI
You’re going to need a lock on this filing cabinet, you know.
SCOTT
I will?
KELLY
Yes. As a matter of fact, we need to take care of that right away. Mr. Watson?
DICK
I’ll replace it with Karnablowsky’s. It already...
SHARI
You’ll need to change his combination.
DICK
...has... a combination.... Which I’ll change.
As SHARI stops to look at the Van de Graff generator, SCOTT leans forward, and with much less relish than usual, suggests:
SCOTT
You can turn that on, if you...
SHARI
Why would you want to shock me?
SCOTT
I didn’t... (defensively) It’s a...
SHARI
It’s not a test! It’s a Van de Graff generator. My high school physics teacher had one, and he was always shocking people with it. He thought it was clever. But of course, he was a mental defective. One could almost forgive him for his little game. But you’re not stupid!
SHARI’s abruptly smiles, realizing something about SCOTT. Her voice becomes slightly more sexy.
SHARI
Or defective.
Then, with more intensity, challenging SCOTT.
SHARI
Or cruel.
As KELLY and DICK join SHARI in visually scolding SCOTT with their looks, SCOTT tries to hide in his chair by shrinking out of sight.
SCOTT
Well... maybe not any more.
SHARI smiles at his “apology”. Then she abruptly announces:
SHARI
I’ll go now. You’ll want to discuss my case when I'm not in the room.
As she turns to go, she stops to look invitingly at DICK.
SHARI
Maybe we could have coffee together... this afternoon?
DICK
Coffee?
SHARI
That’s okay. I’m sure you’re too busy right now. (resignedly) I’ll see you tomorrow morning at nine.
SHARI starts for the door, as if there is nothing else to say.
KELLY
Oh, we’re finished for the morning. Mr. Watson, you can take the rest of the day off if you like.
DICK
You sure?
KELLY
Certainly. Go ahead and have some coffee with Shari.
Chagrined at help from KELLY’s corner, SHARI glances at the other woman, and then turns to DICK.
SHARI
If you have something else to do...
DICK
No. I guess I’m free. Of course...
SHARI
Don’t worry. I’ll pay.
DICK
Okay.
As SHARI patiently waits, DICK crosses and opens the door for her. Together, SHARI and DICK exit through the office door.
SCOTT
Now that girl has possibilities!
KELLY
Careful! We wouldn’t want to jump to any conclusions!
SCOTT
Are you kidding? Do you actually have doubts that this one might have some real potential?
KELLY
Let’s just try to keep things in perspective. It’s hardly scientific to leap to conclusions.
SCOTT
It’s not particularly scientific to ignore your observations, either.
KELLY
There are many possible reasons for Shari’s apparent ability to... anticipate. She may have done her homework on the people that she is dealing with. She could be an excellent student of human psychology. For example, the fact that she anticipates your invitation to sit down, is hardly revolutionary. It’s quite common for a gentleman to ask a lady to sit down. (suddenly realizing that she's not been asked to sit down.) In most cases, that is.
SCOTT
Perhaps you’re right.
KELLY looks at SCOTT, a bit surprised at his apparent generosity in finally accepting her argument. For just a moment, they look at each other, as if they’ve discovered something new about the other. They may even smile -- depending on how well the next cue is picked up. Their brief moment is interrupted by a perfunctory knock at the office door, followed by ANN entering, with RICHARD close behind. RICHARD is in his thirties, extremely neat and clean shaven, and dressed in a three piece suit. He looks very professional and upper-level bureaucratic. His physical appearance is lean and hard, which he covers with an outward, pseudo-sophisticated, fraternity-style manner. His extroversion appears designed to cover an important secret.
ANN
Oh, good! You’re still here.
KELLY
Ah, Mr. Surety.
RICHARD
(very formally, while shaking hands with her)
Ms. Gregg.
KELLY
Professor Conner, this is our fourth subject, Mr. Richard Surety. And of course, you already know Ms. Jennings, our control.
ANN
Richard and I are both in the project.
RICHARD
A very worthwhile project I might add. I’m proud to be associated with such an exceptional opportunity to improve life here in the United States.
SCOTT
Really?
RICHARD
More than most, I dare say, I am fully cognizant of the tremendous potential for good that may well result from the courageous efforts of Ms. Gregg and yourself. You are to be congratulated on your decision to carry on the critically important work to Dr. Karnablowsky. Your charging in where others falter; rushing in to plug the leak in the dike, so to speak, is nothing short of exemplary. Yes, sir, such courage in the face of adversity is more than commendable; it is profoundly patriotic. It is just the sort of thing that makes one proud to be an American!
KELLY
Richard is one of our more, enthusiastic subjects.
RICHARD
Why, thank you very much, Ms. Gregg. I consider your remark to be very generous, and I appreciate it very much. I have certainly endeavored to pull my share of the load. It is particularly gratifying to know that my efforts have not gone unnoticed.
RICHARD glances around the room, with SCOTT and KELLY speechless and ANN beaming through it all. RICHARD starts to walk in the general direction of the storeroom.
RICHARD
An excellent lab you have here, Professor Conner. I'm sure you use it to good purpose.
ANN points to the computer print out on SCOTT's desk.
ANN
Oh, he does. Scott... I mean Professor Conner... does a lot of computer work.
RICHARD flips through the pages with a quick appraisal.
RICHARD
Evidently. Important work, no doubt.
ANN suddenly realizes she does not want RICHARD to look too closely. She grabs the computer printout and partially shielding it from RICHARD, turns to SCOTT.
ANN
Perhaps I had better put this back in the file.
SCOTT
Don’t bother, Ann. I have to review it right away. I certainly don’t want to procrastinate on it.
RICHARD
(approaching the Van de Graff)
And what’s this?
SCOTT
It’s a Van de Graff electric charge generator.
RICHARD
(turning on the switch)
You mind if I turn it on?
SCOTT looks a little piqued at the fact that RICHARD didn’t wait for permission.
SCOTT
Go ahead. But don’t touch the silver ball.
RICHARD
Why not?
RICHARD touches the silver ball, receives his just deserts, and whips his hand back.
RICHARD
Arrrrgggggg!!!!
With an accusatory air, and completely forgetting his previous diplomatic and pompous attitude, he turns on SCOTT.
RICHARD
Holy Cow!! That thing’s dangerous! I could have been killed!! Do you always keep lethal weapons lying around the lab!!?
ANN rushes to RICHARD’s side, grabs his hand and tries to comfort him. During the next several exchanges, ANN massages, soothes and kisses RICHARD’s hand (to make the hurt go away). RICHARD is unaware of her affections, still caught up in his rage at being surprised.
SCOTT
Lethal?
KELLY
He did tell you not to touch it!
RICHARD
Tell me!!? There should be warning signs on it! You’re dealing with electricity! You can’t just leave it up to verbal warnings, which may or may not be heard in time. You’ve got to be absolutely certain that everyone is warned.
SCOTT
It only generates a mild shock.
RICHARD
And what if it malfunctions?
SCOTT
Then it generates nothing.
RICHARD
Oh? You’re quite sure? It couldn’t possibly deliver a much more severe shock? Of course, it could! Things like this happen all the time! You can’t be too careful. Dangerous equipment like that ought to be locked up! The public has to be protected from this sort of thing!
Finally, RICHARD notices ANN’s continuing affection, only to find it incredible. He asks ANN, with considerable bewilderment:
RICHARD
What are you doing?
ANN
I’m making it feel better.
RICHARD
(shaking his hand free of ANN)
It just feels wet.
ANN is immediately shattered. With a look of immense hurt, she backs away.
KELLY
But that’s good for it.
RICHARD
What is?
KELLY
Ann’s... application of moisture.
RICHARD
It is!?
KELLY
Absolutely. Ann may have helped you a great deal. An immediate application of moisture of a... shocked area, is always good for it.
RICHARD
Really?
KELLY
Yes. Recent scientific experiments have demonstrated conclusively that... kissing a hurt is beneficial.
RICHARD
And these experiments have been declassified?
KELLY
They were never classified in the first place.
RICHARD
Pity.
RICHARD notices ANN who is still hurt from his rejection.
RICHARD
I didn’t know. Please accept my apologies.
ANN
That’s all right. I just wanted to make it feel better.
RICHARD
You’re very kind.
ANN
Maybe we should go down to my... office. I could find some other things to make it feel even better.
KELLY
Good idea, Ann. Take Richard down to your office. We’ll start again, tomorrow at nine.
RICHARD
No, no, I’ll be fine. I must leave now anyway, and re(port)... tire. But you can be sure that tomorrow morning I will be here promptly at nine.
ANN
(following him to the door)
You’re sure I can’t be of some service?
RICHARD
No, no. I really must run now.
ANN
Do you need someone to run with?
RICHARD
No, no. I’m the... I'm a Lone Runner.
RICHARD exits, with ANN close on his heels.
ANN
(off stage)
I’m really a good person to run with! I also scout!
KELLY
See you tomorrow morning at nine.
KELLY shuts the door, turns, and looks up.
KELLY
Oh, brother!
SCOTT
“Immediate application of moisture?”
KELLY
It was the first thing that popped into my head.
SCOTT
I just hope Ann appreciates your thoughtfulness.
KELLY
Just trying to keep peace among the test subjects.
SCOTT
I don’t quite buy that. I think you’re a little nicer than you’d like to have people know.
KELLY
Why... thank you.
SCOTT
You’re welcome.
(beat)
You must have searched the world over for those five!
KELLY
I’ll admit: they are a diverse group.
SCOTT
So’s the average population of an insane asylum.
There is a perfunctory KNOCK at the office door, it opens without hesitation, and SPY enters, dressed as a janitor and pushing his canvas trash bag, with cleaning attachments. SPY is also carrying a very large dust mop, and trailing an upright vacuum cleaner (one with a flexible dust bag).
SCOTT
(to SPY)
Could you come back a little later?
SPY ignores SCOTT and KELLY, and with heavy resignation -- as if life is scarcely worth living -- begins to wipe the counters with a dust rag.
SCOTT
Excuse me...
When SPY still does not answer -- or give any indication that he’s on the same planet -- SCOTT looks at KELLY, who only shrugs. Then to KELLY, SCOTT says:
SCOTT
Why don’t we discuss the five... candidates over coffee?
KELLY
Fine. I’ll get my coat.
As SCOTT and KELLY start for the closet, SPY picks up the large dust mop and begins “mopping” the window. SPY continues to do this, apparently oblivious to both KELLY and SCOTT.
KELLY
I’m rather hungry, as well.
SCOTT
We’ll do brunch.
With their coats, SCOTT and KELLY go to the door and start to leave. His hand on the outside door knob, SCOTT says to SPY:
SCOTT
Be sure and lock up.
When SPY ignores him, SCOTT shrugs and closes the door, SCOTT and KELLY exiting.
Immediately, SPY comes alive and looks around. All pretense at bored resignation is gone, as SPY leaps to take advantage of the opportunity. Quickly, he puts the upright vacuum cleaner on the table, and pulls out a camera from the vacuum cleaner dust bag. The camera is, naturally, incredibly dusty, and SPY chokes on the dust, particularly when he blows it off. With great urgency, SPY begins to take pictures. He takes one of the Van de Graff, and one or two other objects. In each and every case, SPY makes extreme changes in the camera’s focus. Then he notices the lens cap, and with a definite slowing of pace, carefully takes the lens cap off the camera. He frowns and then curses.
SPY
Arrrggggg!
After a slow burn, he whips the camera up to take a shot of SCOTT’s desk from his position behind the table. However, ANN walks into the room abruptly, and SPY ends up taking a picture of ANN. ANN is immediately delighted at the thought that someone would want her photograph. She reverts instantly to a very coy and shy southern belle, fairly fluttering.
ANN
Oh my! You really should have warned me. I’m just not my best this early in the morning.
SPY is amazed and frustrated, not to mention bewildered. He has no idea of what to do with ANN. He stammers while she blusters on.
ANN
You really should have given me a chance to spruce up a bit. I must look simply frightful!
When SPY can only manage a pathetic smile, ANN moves in closer.
ANN
Why don’t you give me a chance to freshen up a bit.
(turning on all the sex after-burners)
I’m sure I can give you an even better picture.
As ANN moves in for the kill, SPY starts to panic. Abruptly, he grabs ANN and kisses her intently on the mouth. ANN is momentarily stunned by the sudden response to her overtures. Just as quickly, SPY breaks away from the kiss and rushes for the door. ANN steps back with a shaky step, and gasps for a breath of air. SPY exits via the office door, just as ANN’s expression becomes ones of joy and ecstasy. With immense romantic drama, ANN mutters to herself:
ANN
Ohhhh! A hero. Fresh from the fight! Finally!!!
Then realizing that SPY has gone, ANN rushes to the door. Standing in the hall, with the door open, ANN looks forlorn, as she looks down the hall. With immense emotion:
ANN
Wait! What is your name!!?
BLACKOUT—END OF SCENE 2
Back to:
Act I, Scene 1 -- A Bequeathed Project
Forward to:
Act I, Scene 3 -- Results!