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Sortings (part 1 of 2)

Premiered -- 14 February 2007


What Now? -- Act II

(part 1 of 2)

The action continues immediately from Act I.

As the lights come up, Scott is kissing Kelly, while Shari is standing in the kitchen hall witnessing the event (with her mouth hanging open in disbelief.) Shari then whimpers slightly, and stumbles off stage, toward the kitchen. Scott and Kelly then pull apart slightly, both of them somewhat breathless. Then Kelly seems to regain her composure. She pushes Scott away to arms' length.

KELLY: Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

SCOTT: What’s wrong?

KELLY: “What’s wrong!?” Scott, we can’t do this! We’re no longer lovers! That part of our relationship is over.

SCOTT: It was over too soon!! I was madly, passionately in love with you! And then suddenly I was supposed to believe it’s over?

KELLY: I’m sorry if I hurt you, Scott. But it had to end, even if you weren’t ready! It was over! And I think you knew that deep down. You knew just as well as I did! Didn’t you?

SCOTT: Yeah, I guess I knew it. But everything had seemed so unresolved! It seemed as if we had meant so much to each other! And then wham!! I mean, it’s been two years, and I still remember how bad I felt. And how good it had been!

Shari appears momentarily in the kitchen hall, a drink in one hand and a scotch bottle in the other.

SCOTT: We had loved each other so passionately, so intensely, so completely without bounds! I had never known such love!

Shari whimpers and staggers off, even more stunned.

KELLY: And now?


KELLY: What about Shari? Do you love her as much? More, perhaps?

SCOTT: I don’t know. (He slowly senses the truth.) Yeah, you're right.. I truly do love Shari. And yes, I’ll admit it’s probably a deeper love. It’s grown so steadily and so easily. We really are destined for one another. But at the same time, there was never the overwhelming passion that you and I had for one another.

KELLY: I know what you mean. It was wonderful, if not just a little scary.

Kelly glances around to make sure that they are still alone. Scott starts to grin.

SCOTT: I don’t remember it ever being scary.

KELLY: You know what I mean! We became lovers too soon! It was a physical passion that overwhelmed us.

Shari enters again, this time without the scotch bottle.

KELLY: We didn’t fall in love in all the other ways.

SCOTT: What other ways? I thought we made love in virtually every way!

KELLY: I didn’t mean it that way, you boob! We didn’t fall in love mentally or emotionally or spiritually. We were both just coming off relationships, desperately needing to be loved. We simply fell into one another’s arms.

SCOTT: We really were perfect for each other.

Shari gulps her drink and stumbles out of sight. Kelly, meanwhile, is being very forceful.

KELLY: We really were. But we’re not now!

SCOTT: What do you mean?

Shari appears suddenly, her head sticking out, apparently intrigued by the last statements.

KELLY: We were perfect for each other at that point in time, at a time when we both needed love. We shared it then, and it was good. But now is different. We’re both very much in love with another person. In love in all respects! I love Mark from my very soul, from the very depth of my being!

SCOTT: I know what you mean.

KELLY: In fact, if you in any way mess up my relationship with Mark, I’ll reach down your throat and I’ll rip out your...

SCOTT: No, no! That won’t be necessary!

Kelly looks around again, causing Shari to duck out-of-sight.

SCOTT: You won’t have to get violent. I’m not likely to do anything like that. If only because I love Shari so much.

Shari’s head appears again, her expression more expectant and less dismal.

SCOTT: I never felt the love from you that I feel from Shari. You and I had a passion and a need. Shari’s love simply is. I love Shari more than I’m ever going to want to admit... at least to her.

Shari smiles slightly, and leans against the portal, lost momentarily in bliss.

SCOTT: Shari’s a wonderful woman! It’s just that suddenly seeing you was a bit much. All the old tapes replayed in my mind, and I just wanted to kiss you

KELLY: I understand. But that’s something you’re going to have to resist in the future. Something we’re going to have to resist.

Shari steps quickly back behind the portal, as Kelly glances around. Scott also looks around momentarily, as if assessing the locality.

SCOTT: I suppose you’re right.

KELLY: Suppose?

SCOTT: You’re definitely right.

For a moment they both look at each other, lovingly, but also very much knowing their fate.

SCOTT: We have to tell them, you know.

KELLY: I know.

SCOTT: Telling Shari’s going to be a real test; she’s been awfully tense as of late. Maybe I should do it in the midst of love making, right after she peaks.

Shari’s head appears again, her expression one of total disbelief. As she watches the two, she reacts appropriately to their conversation, but gradually becomes more and more at ease, as if she’s watching an interesting, but otherwise unemotional movie.

KELLY: You’re kidding?

SCOTT: You know, right afterwards, when I say, “How was it for you?” She answers, “Great!”, and I say, “Oh by the way, Kelly and I are former lovers.”

KELLY: That’s grotesque!

SCOTT: Yeah, I know. Just kidding.

KELLY: I hope so!

SCOTT: It’s just that I don’t want to ever hurt her. I love her a great deal. I going to have be very, very gentle about this. Something I’m not all that good at.

KELLY: You think you’ve got problems! Look what I have to deal with! “Oh, Mark; you know that nice young man who’s here with your daughter? Guess what?”

SCOTT: You could always personally recommend me. That might help.

Scott laughs, uncomfortably.

KELLY: Wonderful idea! “And Mark, you don’t need to worry about a thing as far as sex for your daughter is concerned. I can absolutely assure you that she’s being completely fulfilled!”

SCOTT: When you put it that way, I don’t see that you’ve got a problem at all.

For a moment Kelly simply shakes her head.

KELLY: I have no idea how I am going to break this to Mark.

As Scott replies, Shari begins moving downstage toward Kelly and Scott, both of whom are still unaware of her presence.

SCOTT: Maybe I’ll take her for a walk, far enough from the house so that her screams won’t be so noticeable.

Kelly turns to Scott, to commiserate, only to see Shari arriving next to them.

KELLY: Shari?

Scott turns, horrified and speechless. Shari’s demeanor is calm, but with an undercurrent of absolute terror. Shari seems unaccountably calm and direct.


Shari then tosses her drink into Scott’s face and chest. Her movement is definite, but casual and rather matter-of-fact, as if she had just handed him a cup of tea. Still smiling, she turns to Kelly and addresses her simply.

SHARI: Ah yes. I think I feel better now.

Shari smiles. Kelly is still very worried. Scott is also worried, and drenched... again.

KELLY: Shari, I’m so sorry.

SCOTT: Sweetheart! You do know I love you with all my heart, don’t you? You do know...

SHARI: (calmly) I know.

KELLY: How much of our conversation did you overhear?

SHARI: How much was there? I came in on the passionate kiss. Thereafter, I just picked up bits and pieces.

SCOTT: Shari, I love you more than anything! I swear!

KELLY: You must believe him, Shari. He really does.

SHARI: I know. I heard enough to know that. Particularly the part which Scott “would never want to admit”... at least to me.

SCOTT: I’m really glad you heard that part. I don’t mind admitting it now... especially to you.

KELLY: Then why did you throw your drink at him?

SHARI: It’s a matter of form. There are certain traditions that one must follow. One should never so rudely find out about their lover’s former liaisons without throwing one's drink in his face.

SCOTT: Well, I’m glad to know everything was done according to form.

Scott notes again his drenched condition.

SHARI: I wanted to do it earlier, when I first saw you kissing, but I missed that opportunity. I think I was throwing up.

KELLY: Are you okay?

SHARI: Just kidding. I didn’t actually throw up. I just felt like it.

SCOTT: Are you feeling better now?

SHARI: Yes. In fact, I’m ready to make up now. Are you ready to grovel?

Scott looks stunned, but is just about to drop to his knees when Shari goes to him with the intent to give him an affectionate hug. She then notices how wet he is.

SHARI: Oh! You’re all wet!

SCOTT: Yes, I know. Someone threw a drink in my face.

He sniffs slightly.

SCOTT: What were you drinking anyway?

SHARI: I think it was scotch. I’m not real sure.

SCOTT: But you don't drink scotch. (sniffing again) Yeah, it’s scotch. (He tries to smile.) Must be time for me to change again.

SHARI: Good idea. I don’t think I want to be the one to explain to father why you’re dripping with scotch.

SCOTT: Be right back. I just hope I have at least one more uncontaminated outfit.

Scott exits to the bedroom... again. Kelly suddenly looks worried.

KELLY: I guess I’m the one who gets to tell your father...

SHARI: Absolutely!

KELLY: How do you suppose he’s going to take it?

Shari begins to laugh.

KELLY: Oh, Shari, don’t do that to me!

Shari’s laugh grows even more, as she ponders the possibilities, her laughter slowly degenerating into pathos. Kelly is growing increasingly paniced.

KELLY: Shari, this is cruel! You’ve got to help me!

SHARI: I know. Maybe I can figure out something for you. (Then she thinks about it.) But I can’t imagine what!

KELLY: Oh, Lord!

SHARI: Now, don’t panic! We can work something out! We just have to stick together.

KELLY: Uh... right.

SHARI: Oh my God!

KELLY: Now what?

SHARI: Have you thought about our relationship?

KELLY: What do you mean?

SHARI: You and me! We’re going to be buddies... sharing things with one another... girl talk... like comparing our men!!

KELLY: Ohhhh.

SHARI: “Hey Kelly, how’s my Dad in bed?” “Great! How’s your husband? Oh wait... Never mind. I already know about him!”

KELLY: Shari, really... I’m not your competition!

SHARI: “Was it good for you? Hey! It was good for me! Do you suppose it was good for Scott!?”

KELLY: I love your father very, very much. Mark and I are very committed to one another. We may even get married at some point.

SHARI: Married, huh!? Wow! Maybe Scott and I can be in the wedding party. Scott could even give the bride away; somehow that seems particularly appropriate.

KELLY: That’s not the point! I belong to Mark; you belong to Scott. We’re not competing with one another! I’m more of a mother to you than a sister.

SHARI: A mother figure? Oh, perfect!! Just what I need! This absolutely gorgeous woman, much prettier but not quite ten years older than me, has already been the lover of both my father and my husband!

She turns to Kelly.

SHARI: Hey, Mom! Can you give me some helpful hints on what my hubby likes in bed, based on your own experience?

Suddenly, Shari stops, horror stricken.

SHARI: Oh my God! Does this mean Scott qualifies for an Oedipus Rex Complex?

KELLY: Whoa! Wait a minute! Your husband?

SHARI: Oops. Oh yeah. I forgot to mention that.

KELLY: You’re already married?

SHARI: And how!

KELLY: You’ve married my...?

For a moment, Kelly just looks stunned.

SHARI: Yeah. I am a little committed. Or maybe I should just be committed. But the fact of the matter is, I can’t back out now! I’m married!

KELLY: And your father doesn’t know?

SHARI: Nope! Gee, we’ve got so much news to tell Daddy!

KELLY: When were you going to tell your father? I mean, about your being married?

SHARI: Today. Just as soon as things calmed down a bit. I’ve been sort of anticipating that he’d be pleased. But so much seems to have happened in the last hour. Maybe I won’t tell him, after all. Of course, I’m kind of stuck. Might be a bit hard to back out.

KELLY: Why would you want to back out!? You love Scott, don’t you?

SHARI: Sure! But what if Daddy hates him!? What if they just can’t get along? What if he shoots Scott in a jealous rage? What if Scott can’t keep his hands off his step-mom? What if they fight over you... a duel to the death!!?

KELLY: They’re not going to fight over me!

SHARI: You’re sure?

KELLY: Of course I am!

SHARI: So... We’re just going to be one big happy family?

KELLY: Well... yes.

SHARI: Right! I can see it now. Think of the fun family outings, where all four of us get to go to places where Kelly and Scott have already been. You know: sentimental, out-of-the-way spots, where memories of their past love affair can be rekindled.

KELLY: Shari, stop that! That’s silly!

SHARI: You and Scott never went to any sentimental, out-of-the- way spots?

KELLY: That’s not the point! (She thinks for just a moment.) No! The four of us would never go there.

SHARI: Oh, God!

KELLY: Look! First things first! Somehow I’ve got to tell Mark about Scott.

SHARI: And I’ve got to tell him about Scott. Do you begin to see the problem?

KELLY: We’ll just have to do this one step at a time. If we try it all at once, it will overwhelm us. Not to mention Mark.

SHARI: Great! You tell him about Scott and I'll tell him that you can absolutely recommend him, that you know all about him. (Shari abruptly stops.) That is, of course, assuming that you do recommend Scott. Do you?

KELLY: Of course!

SHARI: Oh really? Why? Be specific; tell me everything.

KELLY: Shari, I’m really worried.

SHARI: I’m sorry, Kelly. But if I don’t try to laugh at this, I’m going to end up doing an awful lot of crying.

KELLY: You and me both!

Scott then enters wearing a tennis outfit, overhears the women talking, and thinks that perhaps they may be talking about him.

SCOTT: I hope everyone realizes that this is absolutely my last set of clothes which are dry, uncontaminated, and not soaked with scotch.

Both ladies smile faintly, but neither says anything—their conversation having been interrupted. Scott senses the mood.

SCOTT: Sure is quiet here all of sudden. You ladies weren’t comparing notes on me, were you?

SHARI: Of course! She’s decided she won’t have you, and I’m still thinking about it.

SCOTT: Very funny. You do realize, don’t you, that this is really a very awkward situation?

SHARI: (to Scott) No kidding? (to Kelly.) What did we ever see in this guy?

KELLY: Naive innocence.

SHARI: That must be it.

SCOTT: Feel free to make light of it, but...

SHARI: Wait a minute? What about you!? Have you been comparing Kelly and I in your lustful fantasies?

SCOTT: Me? Uhhh...

KELLY: I think I’d like to hear this answer, myself.

SCOTT: Don’t be silly! A gentleman would never deign to discuss, even think, about such matters.

SHARI: So what have you been doing?

SCOTT: I wouldn’t touch that one with a twenty foot pole!

SHARI: How about a six foot Italian?

KELLY: Let’s just let it drop.

SHARI: (to Kelly) But you just know he’s thought about it!

KELLY: Men are weak. He’ll give himself away soon enough.

SHARI: Right on, sister! I mean...

Shari turns slowly to Scott, smiling broadly

SHARI: ...mother-in-law.

For a moment, Scott just looks at Shari, not grasping the obvious, while Kelly just grins. Then it hits him.

SCOTT: Oh no! You’re going to be my mother-in-law?

SHARI: Boggles the mind, doesn’t it?

KELLY: Well, maybe.

SHARI: (to Scott) How do you think you’re going to handle this, sweetheart? Like on Mother’s Day, you plan to send flowers? I’m sure you already know what kind she likes.

SCOTT: This isn’t happening! I just can’t believe that a woman with whom I’ve been...

Both women’s attention lights up, as Scott hesitates.

SCOTT: I mean, for Pete’s sake, she’s only two years older than I am!.

SHARI: I don’t think it’s the age difference that is really relevant here.

SCOTT: Well... At least, you don’t have to worry about whether or not your husband and your mother-in-law will get along together.

SHARI: You’re despicable!

KELLY: I just realized something: I had a romantic relationship with my future son-in-law?

SCOTT: Hey, that’s right! It works both ways!

SHARI: What works both ways?

SCOTT: (gesturing toward Kelly) Our relationship.

Then he sees Shari’s expression.

SCOTT: I mean, the fact that Kelly and I are now related.

KELLY: Actually we wouldn't be. Two in-laws are not necessarily related to one another. Are they?

SCOTT: I think you’re right! Even if I’m Shari’s husband, I’m only related to Mark as his son-in-law. With Kelly married to Mark, Kelly is only related to Shari as her mother-in-law. But not to me! Kelly and I are not related!

SHARI: Well... Knowing about that legal nicety certainly makes me feel better!!

SCOTT: Every little bit helps.

KELLY: I think we’re getting a little ahead of ourselves. The whole thing may become a mute point.

SHARI: What do you mean?

KELLY: Talking about Mark and I being married may be just a bit premature. I may be lucky to have any kind of relationship with Mark after he finds out about Scott.

SHARI: About Scott and you, or about Scott and me?

KELLY: About Scott and me. I mean, Scott and... Kelly.

SCOTT: Why do I get the feeling that he’s not going to be real calm about this?

SHARI: About which?

SCOTT: About anything!

KELLY: We’ve got to start somewhere. And soon!

SHARI: I agree. Scott will tell him about our marriage first.

SCOTT: Why do I have to be the first one in the trenches?

SHARI: Because you're the man. And because that’s the least of our problems. Besides, Daddy may already suspect. I want his response on record -- and his blessing -- before he finds out you’re Kelly’s former lover. Or before he finds out I’m pregnant. Or before whatever other monstrous secret manages to leak out...

KELLY: Whoa! You’re pregnant?

SCOTT: You didn’t know?

SHARI: Oops. Yeah. Just slightly.

KELLY: “Slightly”?

SHARI: Okay. I’m totally knocked up. One hundred percent, all-the-way, complete and fully pregnant. Nothing is missing! I’ve got morning-sickness, the strangest cravings you can imagine, and according to everyone I meet... (Her tone becomes even more sarcastic.) I’m just aglow with health!

SCOTT: That’s why we got married as quickly as we did. Shari sort of got pregnant. It didn’t seem like we could afford to procrastinate a lot.

SHARI: Maybe we should have procrastinated before getting me knocked up.

KELLY: I’m not sure Mark’s going to survive today.

SCOTT: I have even stronger doubts about myself.

SHARI: Hey! Maybe we could all three throw ourselves into the volcano. That would certainly be a different Hollywood ending.

Mark enters, totally unsuspecting (the poor man). Silence immediately ensues as he enters. After a brief moment, with everyone else trying to act casual, Mark breaks the silence.

MARK: Everything’s put away.

KELLY: Good.

SHARI: Wonderful. That means the decks are cleared for action, so to speak.

SCOTT: Great.

MARK: Oh! I see Scott and Kelly are already getting acquainted!

Scott, Shari and Kelly, all three, shit small cylindrically shaped bricks. Mark immediately senses something amiss. He is no longer sure what to say next, and not sure of where the conversation was when he entered.

MARK: So...

SHARI: I have a wonderful idea.

KELLY and SCOTT: (eagerly) What?

SHARI: I think it’s time that Scott and Daddy really got to know one another.

KELLY: Marvelous idea!!

SCOTT: Uh... could we talk about this?

SHARI: (to Scott) Of course you can! That’s the whole idea.

MARK: What’s going on here?

KELLY: Exactly! And Shari and I will leave you alone!

SHARI: Right! So you won’t feel inhibited!

SCOTT: You think that’s going to help?

MARK: Why should he feel inhibited? He hasn’t exactly been inhibited thus far.

SHARI: Of course it will help!

KELLY: We’ll leave right now! So you won’t have to wait. You can talk right away.

Shari and Kelly began exiting.

SHARI: No sense in procrastinating! Strike while the iron is hot!

KELLY: “Damn the torpedoes, full steam ahead!”

SHARI: No time like the present!

KELLY: Fools rush in where...

Kelly and Shari look at each other, mentally deciding that the last quote does not need to be completed.

KELLY: Never mind.


Smiling like two Cheshire Cats, they exit. With the women out of the room, and Scott looking helpless, Mark shakes his head in wonder, addressing Scott.

MARK: What in the world was that all about?

SCOTT: (innocently) What?

MARK: The sudden, urgent need for us to talk. It seems like we’ve already talked. Even disagreed.

SCOTT: Yes. It’s just that... lots of things have been happening in my life lately, and...

MARK: And?

SCOTT: I’ve been thinking a lot about my future... and all the things that have been happening... in my life... lately.

MARK: What sort of things?

SCOTT: Things. And I thought... I’d mention them to you and see what you think. Sort of get your advice, so to speak.

MARK: Well, I appreciate that, Scott. Always happy to give advice.

SCOTT: Good. It’s just that I’ve been thinking about my future, my prospects, all the things that have been... happening...

MARK: I’ll bet you have! Being in the business now, I’m sure you already recognize the precariousness of any future.

SCOTT: What? What do you mean?

MARK: Everything is collapsing. Economics, law, medicine...

SCOTT: The law is collapsing?

MARK: Certainly. Because of its misuse, the incredible injustices, the simple clogging of the legal system, our whole system of law is going down the drain. Of course, you probably already realize that. You may have gotten out of the field just in time.

SCOTT: The law is going down the drain?

MARK: Basic Machiavellian principle: When the people no longer respect the law, they cease to obey it. I’m sure you’re aware of that.

SCOTT: Well, yes. I’m aware of Machiavelli.

MARK: And medicine is on its way out as well. The greed, the conflicts of interest, the wholesale irresponsibility of most physicians and all of the major pharmaceuticals. All this is taking its toll. They just can’t continue to ignore the absolutely essential need for a holistic approach to healing without losing all of their credibility.

SCOTT: Medicine is on its way out?

MARK: They doomed themselves! They’ve foisted on a trusting public, things like chemotherapy for any and all cancer patients, when it’s been clearly demonstrated that chemotherapy often tends to make cancer worse. Or radiation therapy! You don’t need nuclear war to have radiation sickness! You just go down to the local hospital and they’ll happily radiate you to death! For a small fee, of course.

SCOTT: You can’t be serious!

MARK: I’m very serious. Take this war on cholesterol! Talk about total fraud! Instead of spending money on what is virtually a non-disease they should be doing something for the planet. Earth, Gaia, is really suffering. The environment needs massive attention.

El enters to touch up the spot where Scott had previously dripped Shari’s drink on to the floor. Both men are too caught up in their argument to notice her.

SCOTT: I’ll agree that the environment is in need of some attention, but medicine on the way out? Medical fraud? Gaia suffering? What in the world is Gaia, anyway?

EL: (matter-of-factly) The earth has a consciousness of its own. It’s called Gaia.

MARK: You’ve never heard of Gaia?

SCOTT: Who cares!? This is all utter nonsense!

EL: No, no. That’s the American Dairy Association. We don’t like them either.

SCOTT: (to El) What is?

EL: The American Dairy Association. Utter nonsense.

She exits.

MARK: Don’t think of this as doomsday...

SCOTT: You mean you have another name? Apocalypse maybe?

MARK: Call it Transformation.

SCOTT: Call it sheer irresponsibility! All this doomsday talk, this “transformation” stuff, is scary. You can really panic people!

MARK: There’s a very old saying: “Ye shall know the truth and the truth shall make ye free.” Once people know what’s going on, then they can make the right choices.

SCOTT: What are their choices for Pete’s sake!? According to you, everything is crashing! It’s The End!

MARK: Only of such trappings of modern society as: greed, status, one-up-man-ship, and everything else associated with a patriarchal society run amuck. If you’re not attached to all that garbage, then what would have been doomsday, just becomes changes for the better. You then find, what people have always looked for: Love! Just let go of the other “stuff” and you’ll be fine!

SCOTT: What in the world is “letting go” supposed to mean? I mean like, I’ve heard this vague catch-all phrase until I’m blue in the face!

MARK: It means: Quit trying to control the universe! It’s just not necessary. The universe will happily take care of you. But you have to allow it to do so.

SCOTT: That’s total bull! It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there! If I “let go”, I’m going to end up in a can of Alpo!

MARK: You know what they say: Even if you win the rat race, you're still a rat!

SCOTT: Oh, very clever. Didn't that radical, Lily Tomlin, say that?

El enters, as if looking around for something. She will pick up something, wipe it off, and then replace it, while she waits for the opportunity to insert a suggested change of subject.

MARK: I'll agree that our patriarchal society has pitted everyone against everyone else. But that’s why it’s total collapse is such welcome news. We get to start all over, cooperating with everyone, including the women.

EL: About time!

SCOTT: You don’t think the total destruction of society is a bit much just in order to bring women up to speed?

MARK: I’m not suggesting that women join the patriarchal society; I’m suggesting we do away with a society based on gender. Replace it with one where everyone can speak their truth. Where no one has to deny his or her feelings, just in order to obtain the approval of someone else. Where the universe provides. Where everyone lets go of the control. Lets go of the fear.

SCOTT: Why does all this sound like so much metaphysical double-talk?

MARK: It’s not double-talk, but it is metaphysical. In other words, “beyond” physics. It’s when science realizes that it can’t explain the universe without something beyond physical cause and effect.

EL: Yeah. It’s like when the good stuff shows up. Like finding a mate or starting a family. You know: enjoying the basics. Like a good wife! Finding one. Keeping one. Telling the world about how wonderful it is to be married!

Scott looks at El, for just a moment. Then he realizes why El has come into the room. He leaps at the opportunity.

SCOTT: Right! That’s a very good point!

MARK: What point?

SCOTT: Families are important. In fact, becoming a family is one of the better aspects of life.

MARK: Absolutely! One of our common purposes even now is to raise the children. Bring them through the coming changes, unscathed. And ultimately, allow them to be the fore-runners of change; perhaps the Indigo Children.

SCOTT: Yes! Getting married and raising children!

MARK: Of course, now is a terrible time to actually have a child. Maybe in five or six years...

EL: (aside) Oh shit!

SCOTT: (to MARK) What!!? Where do you come up with this garbage?

MARK: Garbage?

Shari and Kelly enter together. They are obviously not pleased with how things have been going in the conversation.

SHARI: Cut!! This is not working! We’re going to have to reshoot.

MARK: What are you talking about?

SHARI: (to Mark) I said, “Cut!” Good grief, we can’t leave you two alone for five minutes without the both of you fighting!

MARK: We’re not fighting.

SCOTT: Of course not. I’m just pointing out to your father where he’s full of shit.

MARK: And I’m doing the same for him. Which requires, of course, that I do a lot more pointing.

SHARI: I don’t want to hear it. I really don’t.

SCOTT: (to Shari) Give us a chance! We’re getting there.

MARK: Getting where?


MARK: Where are we getting?

There is a momentary silence, as everyone looks at everyone else. El giggles, and then begins to laugh.

MARK: What’s going on here?

Laughing even more, El starts to exit toward the kitchen hall.

EL: Guess who coming’s to dinner!

She laughs even more, then turns and addresses the others.

EL: Remember! Families that live together, stick together!

With that, she roars with laughter and exits.

MARK: What in the world is that woman...?

KELLY: (nervously) Mark...

MARK: What is it, honey?

KELLY: We need to talk.

Kelly and Mark walk away from Shari and Scott, while the latter two fade into the furniture, knowing what’s about to happen. Mark just looks momentarily dismal.

MARK: Why does that statement always sound so ominous?

KELLY: I don’t know if you realize just how very much I love you. You are more than life itself to me.

MARK: I know, Kelly. And I love you just as much. Believe me.

KELLY: Which is just part of why I love you. I was happy before we met. My life was involved and full. And then you came along and changed it so much! It was the difference between night and day. But I was still involved in life, even before I met you.

MARK: I know that, honey. We both had our lives before we met.

KELLY: I was very involved in Washington. I worked with and met all sorts of people.

MARK: I understand that.

KELLY: And wouldn’t you know it? I had even met Scott before.

MARK: Really? Why that's incredible.

KELLY: Yes, it is. It truly is.

Kelly’s attitude finally communicates to Mark, as he glances at Scott and Shari and sees their concern. Quietly, he turns back to Kelly.

MARK: Just how well did you know Scott before?

KELLY: Mark. I love you with all my heart, my very soul worships you...

MARK: That much, huh?

KELLY: At least.

MARK: Whoa! You mean...?

Kelly shakes her head “yes”.

MARK: Lovers?

Kelly again shakes her head “yes”. Scott and Shari tense up, while Mark tries to process the revelation. Then he turns toward Scott, to stare at him. El enters from the kitchen hall, with a large drink (as if anticipating that Mark will need a stiff one). Mark, oblivious to El, walks toward a very nervous Scott, while Kelly and Shari hold their breath. Just as Mark stops in front of Scott and raises himself up as if to blast him, El steps forward and throws the drink into Scott’s face and chest. Everyone is stunned, and when Mark looks at El for an explanation, El smiles and addresses Mark.

EL: I assumed you’d want me to do that. Hey! What’s a maid for, if not to anticipate her master’s every whim?

Mark’s expression turns from amazement to absolute disbelief.


Act I -- All in the Family (part 3 of 3)

Forward to:

Sortings (part 2 of 2)


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